Label Maker

Last year for Mother's Day, I got a label maker.  And I squealed with joy.  And maybe did a little happy dance.

I'm quite certain that the kids were a bit astonished and maybe a tad bit anxious about my enthusiasm for this new little gadget.  Daddy had picked it out ... after a number of persistent hints.  So, when I unwrapped my little green and white mommy-organizing-tool, I was thrilled, Brett was relieved ... and the kids were puzzled.

"What is it?"

"Ooohhhh ... it's a Label Maker!!  I've always wanted one of these!"

I then went on to describe the little machine and all the wonderful ways that it would help us to get organized.  The kids caught my label making-fever and we got right to work.

We headed to the kitchen and labeled the boxes of crayons, markers, stamps and miscellaneous school stuff.  Then the kids brought down some of their bins and boxes from their bedrooms and we labeled them, too.  By the end, we had labeled Lydia's diaper drawer, "Godzlydia's Diapers" and the plastic bins in the kitchen, "Sugar", "Flour" and "Brown Sugar".  I could feel my home and all it's parts falling into place.

Over the past year, we have put my label maker to good use:  school supplies, play kitchen drawers, baby doll dresser and the Barbie bin.  While I'm not sure that we a more organized :) we certainly know where things SHOULD go.  Everything does have a place ... sometimes they just don't quite make it there.  We are a work in progress, for certain.

A few weeks ago, I attended a conference and my penchant for labeling came up again ... but in a different context.  As part of the conference, there was a husband and wife team that spoke.  Prior to their talk, I browsed through the printed program and read through the short biography about the couple.

They looked nice in the picture.
They had plenty of degrees in their list of references.
They had a website to visit later.

They also had a new-fangled catch-phrase for their ministry:  "to help others be appropriately human".

Whatever that means.

I chocked it up to the never-ending attempt by writers and speakers to re-invent simple Biblical truths to make them sound new and fresh again.  Perhaps with the intent to help.  Perhaps with the intent to make a few bucks.

"Aw well ... we'll see what they have to say," I thought as the lights dimmed and the introductions began.

First the wife came out and with her sweet sense of humor and transparency, I warmed up to the idea of hearing more from her.  Then her husband came out.  He was gentle in his tone and was deliberate in his speaking.  And you could tell that they both really enjoyed speaking together.  My initial impressions started to fade away as I could see their sincerity and their desire to speak truth to their audience.

The topic of their talk was centered on the idea that we are each image-bearers of God.  But, because of the legacy of sin passed down since Adam and Eve, our mirror that reflects God is broken and we pass on a fractured reflection of God.  Then came the words that stopped me in my notes ...

Because of our fractured state and our failure to truthfully reflect God, we also struggle to see others as they truly are on the inside.  When we see someone who is different than us (which is everyone!) we take our first impression, jump to a conclusion regarding them and ...

slap a label on them.

For example, maybe you are going to a conference and you read in the program about the upcoming speaker and you read something about them that you don't fully understand and so instead of giving them an opportunity to tell you about themselves, you label them as, "Latest Bandwagon Jumpers."  You know ... something like that. :)

The speakers went on to flesh this idea out further.  Here are a few of the quotes that I jotted down:

• Our personality/tendencies/giftings put us in "people boxes" which are then duct taped tightly with labels. 
• There is no need to go through a box that is properly labeled ... there is no need to get to know a person we have stamped with our own descriptive word.
• Remember that we are each human with a human story ... peel off the label and discover who they are.

As I sat there, I was suddenly convicted of the hundreds upon hundreds of times that I have done just that to the people I come in contact with.  I've Judged, Packaged, Labelled and Shelved.  Nice and tidy ... but not very conducive to building friendships.

Let me give you a few other examples:

Let's just say that there is this particular person that I interact with who micro-manages everything.  Let's call him/her, "Nit-Picker".  I have properly labelled said person ... only to discover that he/she is actually very responsible and has a high expectation of the work that he/she does.  And he/she answers to other people for his/her work and so he/she feels doubly responsible for the work done.  Hmm ... better pull that label off.

Or perhaps I see a mom at our MOPS meeting who has it all together:  fashionable clothing, actual jewelry and a nifty carrying case for her piping hot casserole she baked this morning.  I'll label her, "SuperMom".  But upon sitting together at a table I discover that she and her husband are having marital problems and she's just barely keeping it together.  She feels scared and alone.  I have to carefully remove that label and listen to her fragile heart.

Then there is the kid in my son's class.  The one who is always in trouble.  The one who always seems to be in his own little world.  The one who seems to have a bit of an obsession with Bionicles.  I might label him, "Trouble-Maker".  Then, because my son is tender-hearted and wants this boy to be his friend ("Really?  That little guy?!") I get to know him and he's sweet ... but life is challenging for him.  And my heart is softened as I take off his label and get to know him ... this fellow with a different take on life.

Labels.

They might make my home more organized.  They might help the kids get things in the right places.  They might even keep the craft shelves tidy. (Okay ... maybe not ... but we're on the right track!)

But they have no place in my life when it comes to people.  Here's to freeing all those folks I have stuffed in their "people boxes" and labelled shut ... it's time to really get to know them.
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For more information about the wonderful couple who opened my eyes to my affinity for labelling, check out their website, Soulation.  And you can check out the books I bought while I was there, "Coffee Shop Conversations" and "Ruby Slippers" ... yes, I was that moved by their talk. :)

Uh-oh ... My Arm is on the Fritz!

At the end of October, my family and I went and did the responsible thing: we got flu shots.  The baby girls were able to go to our pediatrician's office where Ashley lucked out and got to do the nasal squirt/mist thing.  She said it smelled like chocolate ... cool!  Brett, the older kids and I went to Brett's work during one of those flu clinics.  Aaron volunteered to be the brave guy and go first.  Norah was trepidatious, but was willing to sit on my lap while the nurse administered the shot (no screaming, this year ... boo-yeah!)  I was big and brave and didn't cry either.

Now, I know that there is the typical soreness following a shot, so I was okay when I felt achy and tender for the first few days following our appointment.  A week later, however, I was still hurting ... maybe more than was normal.  I cautiously asked the kids, "Hey ... how's your arm feeling?" (not wanting to stir up any phantom pains!) and received the same responses ... "Fine."  Hmmmm .... I guess that's good.

By the following week, my arm was definitely worse and I finally mentioned something to Brett.

"Uh ... does your arm still hurt?  Ya know, from the shot?"

"No.  Does yours?"

"Well ... yeah.  Quite a bit, actually."

We decided I should take some Tylenol and keep moving it.  Maybe it was really bruised down deep.

By week three, we started getting a little concerned.  I had trouble lifting my arm above my belly-button without pain.  Once I got my had above my head, I almost had to just let it drop to my side.  There was no way to lower it slowly without a sharp pain.  I figured out little ways to compensate for my lame left arm and figured it would have to get better eventually.

Then one morning, I woke up from a dreadful night's sleep and just cried.  Poor Brett!  It all came spilling out:

It hurt all the time.


I couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep in.


It was so weak and painful, I couldn't pull my covers up.


I was tired of having to lay my arms on my bed and wriggle my way into my clothes since I couldn't lift my shirt over my head.  (There's a picture!)


I had to quit during the first 2 minutes of my work-out because I couldn't do any of the moves.


Washing my hair in the shower was an ordeal.


Yuck.  Blurg.  Crumb.

It was at this point that I finally decided to go see my doctor, but I was anxious that she wouldn't have any way to help me.  It sounded so bizarre, "My flu shot made my arm go 'Sproing!'"

Fortunately, my doctor did have an explanation for my pain.  Apparently, the shot was administered a bit too high and actually caused tendonitis in my shoulder.  Oops.  Try to do the "right thing" and get stuck with a zinger like that! :)  Her prescription for my arm:  Ibuprofen, heat and keep it moving ... lest it develop to "frozen shoulder".  Ugh.

I'm happy to report that as of today, my arm is significantly better.  I have a much broader range of motion - whew!  On the whole, I have less pain - yeah!  And I can get dressed all by myself ... without having to prop my upper body up on the bathroom counter - yahoo!

Now why am I sharing such a ridiculous story with you?  No, I'm not throwing myself a pity party.  :)

During this time of faulty functioning in my arm, I got a little insight into the wise way that God had put my body together and how wonky things got when some part of me was out of whack.  My body compensated for this lousy left limb, but at a bit of a cost to the rest of me.  I found that I had a crick in my neck from trying to heft my arm above my head.  I began to experience some upper back pain from trying to do everything with my right arm.  My left shoulder was tight and developed a bit of a knot in the muscle from trying to will my arm up without actually using my arm.  Wonky and weird.  Not how God intended me to function.

But that wasn't my only insight.  There's more ...

I think this fritzy arm also translates over, in a broader sense, to the plan that God has for us as individuals.  There is a passage in the Bible that talks about each of us being created for a purpose.  (Here is the text for you to see for yourself!)  Each of us is given a job, a role in life.  Much like the eye is made to see and the nose to smell (and the arm to lift things!), we each have been made with gifts and abilities and purposes.  All given by God.  All given for us to use fully and properly.

It is a blessing to us and to others when we live out our lives in the way God intended us to.  And, conversely, we all suffer when we don't live up to the plans and desires God has for us.  Also, if we choose instead to try to be someone else in place of the individual that God designed, we are destined for trouble.

I see this played out most frequently in the relationship arena: when wives try to fill the role of husbands, when husbands let their wives fill their God-given role, when parents yield their role of authority over their children in a desire instead to be friends, and when kids are forced/allowed make decisions for themselves that should made with the shared wisdom of a loving parent.

God has a plan for how our families can function.  A plan that works well, if only we will give it a try.  It goes against most of the current trends in parenting and marriage ... but I think that is actually a good thing considering the current status of families and marriage.  I think there just might be a connection there. :)

In Ephesians 5:21-6:4, God gives us a beautiful snapshot of His intended roles for marriage and family.  It's a very basic blueprint, easy to follow and all founded on love and respect.  What's not to like about that?!?

I would challenge you to study it for  yourself, but here is the simple breakdown of roles:

Wives:  Respect your husbands.  Let them lead you.

No nagging, guilt trips, or vying for King of the Mountain.

Husbands:  Love your wives.  Lead with love and tenderness.

No shirking duties or selfish decisions ... this is not a dictatorship.

Children:  Honor and obey your parents.  This is the right thing to do.

No bad-mouthing Dad & Mom, being sneaky or trying to be too big too fast.

Parents:  Don't exasperate your kids.  Train them up using God's instructions.

No need to be their buddy, be the boss ... 

seek God for wisdom in how to do it right.

When we follow God's lead here ... live out our roles as God intended them to be lived out ... we will be blessed.  We won't be trouble free, but we will be within the boundaries God has set up for us and that is a good place to be.

I'm glad that my arm went on the fritz ... well, sort of.  It has opened my eyes to see the perfect and deliberate nature of God.  He has knit me together to function in a precise way:  my body; my gifts and abilities; and my role as a wife, mom and daughter have all been given to me to be played out in my life with purpose.

God's plan is the best plan.  He doesn't intend for me to be the head of my household ... that's Brett's job.  In the same way, He doesn't intend for me to rest my elbow on the bathroom counter to curl my hair ... that's my arm's job! :)

How Do You Spell "Love"? - Part 3

Beginning September 15 and ending December 25, we celebrate 12 family birthdays (including Baby Jesus!).  That's a lot of gifts!  There are big people gifts:  gift certificates for dinner out.  There are little people gifts:  hockey sticks and Polly Pockets.  This is a natural way for us to express our love for our family and friends.  And of course, our kids love to get gifts ... it's in their genes to want goodies!

While it's true that we each enjoy to get a little something wrapped up in paper and tied with a bow, for some people this practice of giving and receiving gifts is how they say and hear "I love you".  Today we will learn about the fifth love language according to Dr. Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages":  Gifts.

For my husband's mother, gift-giving is most assuredly her love language.  She has a wonderfully generous heart and we are regularly blessed by her giving heart.  When we visit their home, the kids often find little treasures on their pillows ... coloring books, little Lego sets or crafts.  For birthdays and Christmas (and Easter and even Halloween) she often sends cards, goodies and the kids' favorite:  cash! :)  Even Brett and I get spoiled by her generosity ... thank you, Mom, for sharing your love with us!

In the same way, she truly enjoys receiving gifts ... whether it's a picture from Ashley for the fridge or a weekend with her kids ... she experiences love through gifts.  She appreciates the sacrifices made when a gift is given to her ... making it all the sweeter.

My sis-in-law is also a gift-giver.  She loves to send hand-made cards to everyone on her list and she has an extensive list ... and an enormous family!  This is her love language ... little gestures of love and affection in each card made and sent.

Be careful to not confuse this love language with the love of "things".  It's not materialism, it's love shown through frequent little gifts.  When someone with this love language receives a gift, they feel loved because they were thought of when that item was purchased, found, chosen.  It's not being caught up in gift itself, but the love behind the gift.  Be mindful that a missed birthday or anniversary can be devastating for someone whose love language is gifts.  That old adage, "It's the thought that counts," doesn't count here! :)

Now you might be thinking, "My kids love to get stuff!"  Keep in mind that while kids love to get gifts, not all kids experience love through these gifts.  For a child whose love language is indeed gifts, you might find that they have several precious treasures that they have on display in their rooms and they can remember who gave it and when and why.  They have a lot of feelings tied up in that gift.  For them, these gifts speak loudly of your love for them.

Now to review the 5 Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch
• Acts of Service
• Gifts

So ... which are you?  

Still not sure yet?  

Think about what energizes you, what excites you, what fills your heart.  

Think back over the past month:  What comes to mind as a time you felt loved?  

What happened to make you feel that way?

Think back over the past month:  What comes to mind as a time you felt invisible and unappreciated?  What happened to make you feel that way?  

Both should point to your love language.  

Still having trouble?  Check out Dr. Chapman's site and take one of his assessments.  These will help you to discern your primary love language.

Now do you know? :)  Great!  Take some time to communicate this discovery to those around you ... fill them in on how they can fill your love-tank.  It's a win-win situation:  you feel loved and your friends & family don't have to guess!

But it doesn't stop here.  Now take time to study your family and friends.  You know the five categories and you can observe those around you and I'm sure that with a little studying you will soon discover each of their own personal love languages.

Once you figure out your friends, kids, spouse, parents, siblings, co-workers ...it's up to you to love those around you in their own personal love language!  Be Cinco-Love-Lingual :) Trust me, it's worth the work!

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Of course, if you still need more information, there are two books by Dr. Chapman:  The 5 Love Languages and The 5 Love Languages of Children.  It's all the info you need to know how to love well! :)

How Do You Spell "Love"? - Part 2

When we go to church on Sunday, we take up an entire aisle.  Between our family and my brother's family we fill 10 seats (with two babies in the nursery).  Yep, an aisle.  While it's true that we adults are completely outnumbered, it is a true blessing to see our kiddos sitting together (sometimes in the same chair if we're short a seat), sharing their Bibles (searching together for the verses being read) and giggling about whatever strikes their funny-bones.  Which is apparently a lot.  But it's even sweeter to see them loving on each other.  This past weekend, the 11-year old was holding the 7 year-old (silly girls!) and my 4 year-old was hugging her 4 year-old cousin as they swayed to the music.  Loving snuggles ... even during the singing at church.

Watching my Ashley cuddle with her cousin, I had to giggle, but it also solidified to me that my young daughter's love language is most definitely Physical Touch.  Today we will continue with our topic of Dr. Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" ... beginning with Ashley's love of choice.

My sweetie loves to hold hands, play with my hair and is happiest to be on my hip or lap.  One of my favorite snapshots that I hope I will never forget is seeing my baby girls holding hands while they ride side-by-side in our double stroller.  Ashley will reach across the divider and take little Liddy's hand in hers and stroke her little fingers with her thumb ... such tender touch.  I'm quite certain that this is also why Ashley is having such a terrible time giving up her thumb-sucking ... even this type of touch is comforting to her.  When Ashley is upset (too tired, feeling under-the-weather or feeling grumpy) sometimes the only comfort is a cuddle with Mommy or Daddy.  You can talk, talk, talk ... but a hug is what she really needs.

In light of this being Ashley's love language, we have had to be careful with how we discipline her.  While we have used spanking with the older kids for serious offenses, for Ashley a swat is almost too much.  We have found that a verbal reprimand is usually enough.  Or perhaps it's just the time in the rocking chair awaiting her correction ... the waiting is the worst part! :)

This love language also happens to be my husband's.  He is reassured of my love when I pat his back as I walk by, sit close to him on the couch and reach over and rub his neck while he's driving.  All these little actions speak loudly to Brett about his value and importance.  Likewise, if I walk by him without reaching out to touch his shoulder, he feels a bit neglected.  If I'm frustrated or distracted and withhold touch from Brett, it's like a cold breeze blowing through our friendship ... brrrrrr!

Fortunately, I also like physical touch and so this is a relatively easy love language to "speak".   A few warm snuggles, encouraging back pats and taking time to hold hands proves to my husband and daughter my undeniable love and affection for them ... and I get some warm-fuzzies, too!

The fourth love language to talk about is Acts of Service.  I initially thought that this was Brett's primary love language because he is such a servant.  As it turns out, service is definitely part of his make-up, but it's more of his spiritual gifting, rather than his love language.  He also grew up in a family where service was valued and so he learned the importance of service by seeing that modeled in his parents.  So while he is a professional server :) this isn't necessarily how he shows and receives love.

For my neighbor, on the other hand, service is most certainly how she perceives love and value.  She bends over backwards and spends herself (almost to empty) in her service to others:  family, friends and her community.  In the same way, she feels loved when she is served and helped.  Sometimes her need is big (opening our home up to her kids), sometimes her need is small (a bag of ice) ... but both speak to her that she is valuable and important.  For my friend, her love-tank is filled when someone spends energy and time in serving her.

In the same way, for people whose love language is service, they can feel very un-loved if they are un-served.  By forgetting to do something you say you will do (taking out the trash, stopping by the grocery on the way home, ironing a shirt for work) you may be inadvertently telling that person that they are not important or valuable.  Fortunately, we can quickly remedy the situation by doing something for that person ... and saying, "Sorry", of course!

So ... have you found your love language yet?  Do you feel valued when you receive a note in the mail or perhaps a pat on the back?  Do you show love in service or spending quality time?  We have one more to look at tomorrow:  Gifts.  I'm sure you'll find yourself in there somewhere!

Then once we have all the facts ... we'll take on the challenge of putting our love to the test!

How Do You Spell "Love"?

I went on a field trip with my son's class on Friday morning.  We went to see "Annie" performed by a youth theater group here in town.  We arrived a bit early and waited in the lobby so that we could walk in with my boy.  When their bus arrived, Ashley was on the lookout for Aaron.  We spotted him, waved and then stepped into line with him to enter the theater.  As we approached our row of seats ... he chose to sit near us, but not next to us.  When a teacher asked if he wanted to sit next to his mom, he replied, "Nah ... I'm good."  Aaahhh.... boys.  If it had been Norah, she would have been in my lap! :)

I frequently marvel at the individuality of my children.  Same mom.  Same dad.  Totally different kids!  Just another example of God's creativity; and in some cases, His sense of humor!  Here we have four kids living under our roof and everyday we find yet another example of how they see life differently.  Aaron is super easy-going while Norah has a rather intense level of drama in her life.  Ashley is a cuddlebug, Lydia is a gotta-get-busy bug.  Norah feels immediate remorse when she does something wrong, Aaron needs to see specifically how his wrong effects others ... Lydia is oblivious.  Ashley has never met a stranger while Norah would much rather turn invisible when introduced to someone new.  Norah is interested in everybody's business; Ashley likes to boss people regarding their personal business; Aaron keeps to himself - indifferent to other people's business ... Lydia is physically IN everybody's business and personal space.  Yep ... they each approach life differently.

In the past year, Brett and I have become more aware of yet another area of distinctiveness in our kids:  How they perceive and share love.  In the same way that our children are different regarding their likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, personalities and identities ... they also feel and show love in unique and personal ways.  Dr. Gary Chapman has spent years investigating this peculiarity of love and in 1992 published a book entitled, "The 5 Love Languages".  Through his course of study and his interactions with hundreds of people, he was able to deduce that there are basically five unique ways in which we each define love:  Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

According to his research, we may experience love in any or all of the these ways, but there is typically one area that is stronger than the others.  One area in particular really fills your love-tank.  As Brett puts it, using any one of these areas will fill your love tank, but there is one that fills it fast.  Like the NASCAR pit-stop.  Filled up and ready to go!

I thought it would be interesting to look at each category over the next several posts ... with the hopes that you would be able to identify your own love language and those of your loved ones.  That way, you can communicate your love needs, but also love those around you better ... like a Pit Chief on Jimmy Johnson's pit-crew!

Today we'll focus on Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.

I'll come right out and tell you that for me love is shown in words, words, words!  I love to be told, clearly and repeatedly that I am loved, valued and noticed.  Compliments set me afloat, I tuck away notes and cards to read and re-read later and my whole day can be changed by one surprise, expression of praise or admiration.  I can capture in my mind little snippets of things people have said to me ... and I can replay them again and again when I need a boost.  I think this is why music is so powerful for me, too.  Words set to music are even more powerful!  I love to use words, too (if you've been a faithful Snapshots reader ... that is quite clear).  I enjoy writing notes to family and I love snuggling with my kiddos and whispering to them praises and encouragement.

My little Norah also experiences love through words.  She loves to write notes and letters.  And she loves to receive them, too.  Each day, I stick a "love napkin" in the kids' lunch bags ... a quick affirmation scribbled on their napkin.  She keeps them.  All.  In the bottom of her backpack.  Even if she is having hot lunch, she asks that I write her something.  She needs to hear from us that she is precious, important and valuable.  In words.

Along these same lines, we both are easily hurt by words.  Insults and critical words also stick in my brain and are almost impossible to forget.  I can remember unkind words from a classmate in the 6th grade.  Yep ... words are powerful. :)

As for Quality Time, Aaron is a perfect example of this love language.  His love tank is only truly filled by quality time:  full, undivided attention.  When we share our bests and leasts at the end of the day, Aaron's highs & lows almost always center around whether or not he had time with friends and family.  If he got to play with a buddy, it was a good day.  If he didn't, well ... that ends up being a "least".  If he got to play Wii with Daddy, it was a great day.  If he didn't, it's more of a bummer day.  Aaron is a classic example of the the need for Quality Time in that if I take just 15-20 minutes in the afternoon to connect with him (play a game, listen to him recount his recess touch-down, read "Calvin & Hobbes" together or have him join me in fixing dinner) he is happy, helpful and hands-down more fun to be with.

If I'm in a hurry or distracted and he is needing to get his love-tank filled ... he picks on he sisters, wanders around bored, and generally gets into trouble.  He is seeking attention and apparently he's not particular if it's positive or negative.  Just a few minutes of quality face-to-face time is a huge investment for him and he goes away confident, secure and ready to be a productive part of our family.

As a side note, words don't really mean much to him.  He has confessed to "not really reading" my notes.  But I still send them along ... just in case!

We have three more "Love Languages" to cover in the coming days ... come back and we'll learn more about how our hearts tick. :)