How Do You Spell "Love"? - Part 3

Beginning September 15 and ending December 25, we celebrate 12 family birthdays (including Baby Jesus!).  That's a lot of gifts!  There are big people gifts:  gift certificates for dinner out.  There are little people gifts:  hockey sticks and Polly Pockets.  This is a natural way for us to express our love for our family and friends.  And of course, our kids love to get gifts ... it's in their genes to want goodies!

While it's true that we each enjoy to get a little something wrapped up in paper and tied with a bow, for some people this practice of giving and receiving gifts is how they say and hear "I love you".  Today we will learn about the fifth love language according to Dr. Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages":  Gifts.

For my husband's mother, gift-giving is most assuredly her love language.  She has a wonderfully generous heart and we are regularly blessed by her giving heart.  When we visit their home, the kids often find little treasures on their pillows ... coloring books, little Lego sets or crafts.  For birthdays and Christmas (and Easter and even Halloween) she often sends cards, goodies and the kids' favorite:  cash! :)  Even Brett and I get spoiled by her generosity ... thank you, Mom, for sharing your love with us!

In the same way, she truly enjoys receiving gifts ... whether it's a picture from Ashley for the fridge or a weekend with her kids ... she experiences love through gifts.  She appreciates the sacrifices made when a gift is given to her ... making it all the sweeter.

My sis-in-law is also a gift-giver.  She loves to send hand-made cards to everyone on her list and she has an extensive list ... and an enormous family!  This is her love language ... little gestures of love and affection in each card made and sent.

Be careful to not confuse this love language with the love of "things".  It's not materialism, it's love shown through frequent little gifts.  When someone with this love language receives a gift, they feel loved because they were thought of when that item was purchased, found, chosen.  It's not being caught up in gift itself, but the love behind the gift.  Be mindful that a missed birthday or anniversary can be devastating for someone whose love language is gifts.  That old adage, "It's the thought that counts," doesn't count here! :)

Now you might be thinking, "My kids love to get stuff!"  Keep in mind that while kids love to get gifts, not all kids experience love through these gifts.  For a child whose love language is indeed gifts, you might find that they have several precious treasures that they have on display in their rooms and they can remember who gave it and when and why.  They have a lot of feelings tied up in that gift.  For them, these gifts speak loudly of your love for them.

Now to review the 5 Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch
• Acts of Service
• Gifts

So ... which are you?  

Still not sure yet?  

Think about what energizes you, what excites you, what fills your heart.  

Think back over the past month:  What comes to mind as a time you felt loved?  

What happened to make you feel that way?

Think back over the past month:  What comes to mind as a time you felt invisible and unappreciated?  What happened to make you feel that way?  

Both should point to your love language.  

Still having trouble?  Check out Dr. Chapman's site and take one of his assessments.  These will help you to discern your primary love language.

Now do you know? :)  Great!  Take some time to communicate this discovery to those around you ... fill them in on how they can fill your love-tank.  It's a win-win situation:  you feel loved and your friends & family don't have to guess!

But it doesn't stop here.  Now take time to study your family and friends.  You know the five categories and you can observe those around you and I'm sure that with a little studying you will soon discover each of their own personal love languages.

Once you figure out your friends, kids, spouse, parents, siblings, co-workers ...it's up to you to love those around you in their own personal love language!  Be Cinco-Love-Lingual :) Trust me, it's worth the work!

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Of course, if you still need more information, there are two books by Dr. Chapman:  The 5 Love Languages and The 5 Love Languages of Children.  It's all the info you need to know how to love well! :)

How Do You Spell "Love"? - Part 2

When we go to church on Sunday, we take up an entire aisle.  Between our family and my brother's family we fill 10 seats (with two babies in the nursery).  Yep, an aisle.  While it's true that we adults are completely outnumbered, it is a true blessing to see our kiddos sitting together (sometimes in the same chair if we're short a seat), sharing their Bibles (searching together for the verses being read) and giggling about whatever strikes their funny-bones.  Which is apparently a lot.  But it's even sweeter to see them loving on each other.  This past weekend, the 11-year old was holding the 7 year-old (silly girls!) and my 4 year-old was hugging her 4 year-old cousin as they swayed to the music.  Loving snuggles ... even during the singing at church.

Watching my Ashley cuddle with her cousin, I had to giggle, but it also solidified to me that my young daughter's love language is most definitely Physical Touch.  Today we will continue with our topic of Dr. Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" ... beginning with Ashley's love of choice.

My sweetie loves to hold hands, play with my hair and is happiest to be on my hip or lap.  One of my favorite snapshots that I hope I will never forget is seeing my baby girls holding hands while they ride side-by-side in our double stroller.  Ashley will reach across the divider and take little Liddy's hand in hers and stroke her little fingers with her thumb ... such tender touch.  I'm quite certain that this is also why Ashley is having such a terrible time giving up her thumb-sucking ... even this type of touch is comforting to her.  When Ashley is upset (too tired, feeling under-the-weather or feeling grumpy) sometimes the only comfort is a cuddle with Mommy or Daddy.  You can talk, talk, talk ... but a hug is what she really needs.

In light of this being Ashley's love language, we have had to be careful with how we discipline her.  While we have used spanking with the older kids for serious offenses, for Ashley a swat is almost too much.  We have found that a verbal reprimand is usually enough.  Or perhaps it's just the time in the rocking chair awaiting her correction ... the waiting is the worst part! :)

This love language also happens to be my husband's.  He is reassured of my love when I pat his back as I walk by, sit close to him on the couch and reach over and rub his neck while he's driving.  All these little actions speak loudly to Brett about his value and importance.  Likewise, if I walk by him without reaching out to touch his shoulder, he feels a bit neglected.  If I'm frustrated or distracted and withhold touch from Brett, it's like a cold breeze blowing through our friendship ... brrrrrr!

Fortunately, I also like physical touch and so this is a relatively easy love language to "speak".   A few warm snuggles, encouraging back pats and taking time to hold hands proves to my husband and daughter my undeniable love and affection for them ... and I get some warm-fuzzies, too!

The fourth love language to talk about is Acts of Service.  I initially thought that this was Brett's primary love language because he is such a servant.  As it turns out, service is definitely part of his make-up, but it's more of his spiritual gifting, rather than his love language.  He also grew up in a family where service was valued and so he learned the importance of service by seeing that modeled in his parents.  So while he is a professional server :) this isn't necessarily how he shows and receives love.

For my neighbor, on the other hand, service is most certainly how she perceives love and value.  She bends over backwards and spends herself (almost to empty) in her service to others:  family, friends and her community.  In the same way, she feels loved when she is served and helped.  Sometimes her need is big (opening our home up to her kids), sometimes her need is small (a bag of ice) ... but both speak to her that she is valuable and important.  For my friend, her love-tank is filled when someone spends energy and time in serving her.

In the same way, for people whose love language is service, they can feel very un-loved if they are un-served.  By forgetting to do something you say you will do (taking out the trash, stopping by the grocery on the way home, ironing a shirt for work) you may be inadvertently telling that person that they are not important or valuable.  Fortunately, we can quickly remedy the situation by doing something for that person ... and saying, "Sorry", of course!

So ... have you found your love language yet?  Do you feel valued when you receive a note in the mail or perhaps a pat on the back?  Do you show love in service or spending quality time?  We have one more to look at tomorrow:  Gifts.  I'm sure you'll find yourself in there somewhere!

Then once we have all the facts ... we'll take on the challenge of putting our love to the test!

How Do You Spell "Love"?

I went on a field trip with my son's class on Friday morning.  We went to see "Annie" performed by a youth theater group here in town.  We arrived a bit early and waited in the lobby so that we could walk in with my boy.  When their bus arrived, Ashley was on the lookout for Aaron.  We spotted him, waved and then stepped into line with him to enter the theater.  As we approached our row of seats ... he chose to sit near us, but not next to us.  When a teacher asked if he wanted to sit next to his mom, he replied, "Nah ... I'm good."  Aaahhh.... boys.  If it had been Norah, she would have been in my lap! :)

I frequently marvel at the individuality of my children.  Same mom.  Same dad.  Totally different kids!  Just another example of God's creativity; and in some cases, His sense of humor!  Here we have four kids living under our roof and everyday we find yet another example of how they see life differently.  Aaron is super easy-going while Norah has a rather intense level of drama in her life.  Ashley is a cuddlebug, Lydia is a gotta-get-busy bug.  Norah feels immediate remorse when she does something wrong, Aaron needs to see specifically how his wrong effects others ... Lydia is oblivious.  Ashley has never met a stranger while Norah would much rather turn invisible when introduced to someone new.  Norah is interested in everybody's business; Ashley likes to boss people regarding their personal business; Aaron keeps to himself - indifferent to other people's business ... Lydia is physically IN everybody's business and personal space.  Yep ... they each approach life differently.

In the past year, Brett and I have become more aware of yet another area of distinctiveness in our kids:  How they perceive and share love.  In the same way that our children are different regarding their likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, personalities and identities ... they also feel and show love in unique and personal ways.  Dr. Gary Chapman has spent years investigating this peculiarity of love and in 1992 published a book entitled, "The 5 Love Languages".  Through his course of study and his interactions with hundreds of people, he was able to deduce that there are basically five unique ways in which we each define love:  Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

According to his research, we may experience love in any or all of the these ways, but there is typically one area that is stronger than the others.  One area in particular really fills your love-tank.  As Brett puts it, using any one of these areas will fill your love tank, but there is one that fills it fast.  Like the NASCAR pit-stop.  Filled up and ready to go!

I thought it would be interesting to look at each category over the next several posts ... with the hopes that you would be able to identify your own love language and those of your loved ones.  That way, you can communicate your love needs, but also love those around you better ... like a Pit Chief on Jimmy Johnson's pit-crew!

Today we'll focus on Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.

I'll come right out and tell you that for me love is shown in words, words, words!  I love to be told, clearly and repeatedly that I am loved, valued and noticed.  Compliments set me afloat, I tuck away notes and cards to read and re-read later and my whole day can be changed by one surprise, expression of praise or admiration.  I can capture in my mind little snippets of things people have said to me ... and I can replay them again and again when I need a boost.  I think this is why music is so powerful for me, too.  Words set to music are even more powerful!  I love to use words, too (if you've been a faithful Snapshots reader ... that is quite clear).  I enjoy writing notes to family and I love snuggling with my kiddos and whispering to them praises and encouragement.

My little Norah also experiences love through words.  She loves to write notes and letters.  And she loves to receive them, too.  Each day, I stick a "love napkin" in the kids' lunch bags ... a quick affirmation scribbled on their napkin.  She keeps them.  All.  In the bottom of her backpack.  Even if she is having hot lunch, she asks that I write her something.  She needs to hear from us that she is precious, important and valuable.  In words.

Along these same lines, we both are easily hurt by words.  Insults and critical words also stick in my brain and are almost impossible to forget.  I can remember unkind words from a classmate in the 6th grade.  Yep ... words are powerful. :)

As for Quality Time, Aaron is a perfect example of this love language.  His love tank is only truly filled by quality time:  full, undivided attention.  When we share our bests and leasts at the end of the day, Aaron's highs & lows almost always center around whether or not he had time with friends and family.  If he got to play with a buddy, it was a good day.  If he didn't, well ... that ends up being a "least".  If he got to play Wii with Daddy, it was a great day.  If he didn't, it's more of a bummer day.  Aaron is a classic example of the the need for Quality Time in that if I take just 15-20 minutes in the afternoon to connect with him (play a game, listen to him recount his recess touch-down, read "Calvin & Hobbes" together or have him join me in fixing dinner) he is happy, helpful and hands-down more fun to be with.

If I'm in a hurry or distracted and he is needing to get his love-tank filled ... he picks on he sisters, wanders around bored, and generally gets into trouble.  He is seeking attention and apparently he's not particular if it's positive or negative.  Just a few minutes of quality face-to-face time is a huge investment for him and he goes away confident, secure and ready to be a productive part of our family.

As a side note, words don't really mean much to him.  He has confessed to "not really reading" my notes.  But I still send them along ... just in case!

We have three more "Love Languages" to cover in the coming days ... come back and we'll learn more about how our hearts tick. :)